caitlin mccann

in a car, on a road, going to a place

in a car, on a road, going to a place

they are packed in Q’s maroon Subaru. the interior is tan. the windows are not tinted. it is light. the ceiling is low. they are five full grown adults packed very closely in a small car.

Dev and Coop sit up front. Jude, Q, and Mac sit in back. when they close the car doors, the feeling of a new adventure begins. Mac says he has never been in a car on acid before and he has done tons of acid. Jude feels like a little kid being carted around by her older brothers. Q is sitting in between Jude and Mac. he is excited. he has never sat in the backseat of his car before.

the windows start to fog up from body heat. Mac is hot. he takes his glasses off. he takes his sweater off. he warns everyone he might smell bad. he doesn’t wear deodorant and the group has been camping for 2 days so no one has showered. they all sit quietly for a second, as if they are listening for the smell. the car fills up with that sweet rancid scent everyone loves on themselves and hates on everyone else. Jude rolls the window down. everyone laughs hysterically and tells Mac to put his sweater back on. he is not ashamed and laughs with everyone. Jude wonders why it took until this trip for them to connect. even after wandering the same city. among the same friends. she finds herself looking at Mac. she can see his eyes now. they are blue. no, they are green. wait. nevermind. they are burning with wonder! she can see his dark disheveled hair. the sides were shaved at some point but they have grown out. she can see his earring.

and who did she think he was in the first place?

Jude looks down at her feet and sees the bag of trail mix she bought at a gas station on their drive up. a pleasant surprise! past self planning for future self. she starts eating the trail mix one by one. she never knows what will emerge between her fingers when she pulls her hand out of the bag. each almond cashew raisin yogurt cluster comes as a gift! Q and Mac place their hands hopefully out in front of her. she tries to be careful pouring but nuts go everywhere. almonds cashews raisins yogurt clusters. everywhere. all over. she is excited by the feeling of sharing! like a child learning how to share for the very first time and wanting to share with everyone. she eats another almond. cashew. raisin. one. at. a. time. then suddenly feels as if she must stop. or else there won’t be more later. she puts the bag of trail mix behind her, on top of a backpack in the trunk.

- how are you feeling? Q asks. this is her first time. he is checking in.
- I feeeeeeeeeeeeeel...so grreatt. she is beaming. she is looking him in the eye, searching for an entry point. she feels like her words do not land. he is looking around her eyes instead of in them.

he looks just above them.

below.

to the side.
the other side.
away...

Dev starts driving. a new adventure! the group in back is excited. they are ecstatic. they squirm and laugh and their bodies bump into each other b’cos they are squished but they do not care. trees dressed in red orange yellow pass them by. fall is peaking. they wave goodbye to the massive lake on their right as they wind away, down the narrow road. the air is cold but they keep the windows down anyways. Jude likes the wind on her face. Mac is leaning out the window, screaming like a fucking lunatic.

I NEED AN ALIBI.

there is uncontrollable laughter for awhile. Mac rolls his window up. thudududududududududud. their ears hurt for a second until Jude hurriedly rolls her window up too.

from now on they must coordinate when they are putting the windows down.

as they drive, Mac talks and yells and talks. he is completely unhinged. there is nothing in the way of who he is and who he is being. he absorbs their laughter and turns it into another thing to laugh at. they laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh

Q is wearing Jude’s scarf around his head, wrapped like a babushka. she watches him concentrate on the palm of his hand. there is a small cut from when he slipped on a rock earlier. it reminds her of a younger her and when she used to get blisters from swinging on the monkey bars at recess.

- how’s your hand?
- it’s fine. I just don’t want it to get infected.

a small smile starts to spread across Jude’s face. it is too tempting to tell him to rub some dirt in it ‘cos THERE IS LITERALLY DIRT IN IT. AHAHAHA. her elbow is propped up on his shoulder. together they stare at the cut.

the look of concern on his face wrangles in her laughter.

Jude is sinking deeper and deeper into her corner of the car. she is becoming one with the corner. melting into herself. she notices how filthy her white overalls are. who wears white camping? still, she is proud. she is satisfied. she smiles to herself and then looks over at Mac who is still yelling. his hands are tightly gripping Coop’s headrest. he is banging his head on it. HIS EYES. ARE. VERY. OPEN. everyone is laughing but Jude is laughing the hardest. she is crying. she is laughing. she is crying. laughing. crying. HAHAHA hahaha haha ha ha hoooooooooooooo hoo hoo ha ha ha HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHA. omg. her laughter becomes inaudible which makes her laugh even harder. even more inaudibly until she cannot breathe. she cannot contain her laughter. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. tears fiercely pour out of her eyeballs.

this goes on for awhile.

Coop is queuing up songs. every song is sticking. Jude feels nostalgic when she listens and looks out the window, exhausted from her laughter. she feels like she is in the opening montage of a movie about friendship and youth, sleepless nights and drunken parties. red orange yellow trees pass her by. she focuses on the tops of the trees, trying to keep cars on the other side of the road out of her sight so she is immersed in nothing but trees and overcast sky.

- what thhhhhhe...how do you even read this thing? where did Mac get that map? he turns it upside down. rightside up. upside down.
- I think we started here, Q says, trying to help him. nooo...wait [hahahahaha] hang on...

Mac starts smashing the map into his face and yelling. it is funny at first but Jude decides he cannot go on like this. she must save him from himself. she gently takes the map away. she shoves it under the driver's seat. it is gone forever. or so it seems.

she runs her hand thru her hair and notices her right braid came undone. when did this happen? she feels around her neckline for the small rubber band. it is nowhere to be found. she is sad for a moment. then she realises she can simply undo the other braid. she starts taking out the rubber band holding the left braid together. her fingers feel like they are fumbling. it feels like it is taking an eternity.

the braid comes undone.

she runs her hands thru it, dividing all the strands. she runs both her hands thru her hair. first where the braids were. then from the top to the bottom. she faces the window. blurring red orange yellow pass her by even brighter than before. the trees look tall and wise, full of secrets and understanding. they are like bodyguards for the tiny worlds that live in and around them. standing among each other, looking down on the little maroon Subaru speeding along the highway...

she breeeeeeeeeeeeathessss and lets go of something.

she feels like this is the first time she has taken her hair down in years. her hair feels so good, so soft between her fingers. she is aware of the dried tears of laughter on her face. her tired eyes. her sore cheeks. she melts into her corner of the car. she is one with the corner. the boys want to smoke. 1, 2, 3. they put the windows down. she leans back and closes her eyes and lets the breeze wash over her. whatever she let go of was fucking heavy.

she is slowly feeling changed.

Jude emerges from her peace of mind and is aware of the music. she notices Q is leaning upfront to talk to Coop and Dev. she watches Mac now, framed between Q’s back and the backseat of the car. he is singing very passionately, very beautifully with the song. a woman’s voice. Jude sees the lights go down. there is a spotlight on Mac. she stares at him with her mouth open, her shimmering eyes wide, pupils wider. she feels like she is at a show. she is at a show for the first time in months! Mac is gripping the handle above his head like he’s going to eject from his seat if he doesn’t. his eyes are closed. he is singing with so much fucking passion! he is hitting each and every note. and who did she think he was in the first place? she does not want this moment to end. everyone in the car is quiet, except Mac. the song ends. the spotlight fades out and the house lights come back on.

she is changed.

Dev tells Q to go back with the full tabbers. [hahahahaha]. Jude locks eyes with Mac. her green to his whatever they are.

- he left us, she says, like she is telling him a secret.
- yeah, he did...ha! he replies and let’s the idea ruminate in front of him. they are literally talking about Q behind his back. ha!

for a moment, it is just her and Mac.

for a moment
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The Kinks sing to them, chilly chilly is evenning tiiiimee, waterloo sunset’s fiiiiine [everyone in unison] waterloo sunset's fiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiinnnnneeeeee. Q leans back into the seat. Jude is staring at the opposite corner of the car, past Coop’s head. she watches a thought take shape. she concentrates very hard to not let the thought slip.

she steals a look at Mac while he sings along. she steals a look at Q. at Mac. at Q. Mac. Q. Mac. omg. she focuses her vision on nothing and no one to concentrate.

she arrives

at Mac
by way
of Q.

by way of Q. who is literally wedged between her and Mac’s shoulders. a bridge. they’ve crossed paths many times before but now she feels their paths merging. indescribable feelings push their way thru the knot in her throat and she decides she wants Mac, all his doing and all his being, in her life, disheveled hair, burning eyes, everything, all of it. she sees memories that have not happened yet and a future unravels before her.

she cannot see what the future holds but she is certain of its abundance.

she sinks back into the corner of the car. the knot yanks at the back of her throat. her body does not know what to do with all this profundity. she does not know where to put it. she looks out the window. red orange yellow tree tops only. she sits up and presses her nose against the cold window. then her forehead. red orange yellow pass her by. she closes her eyes. she laughs.